Letter #40: When trauma strikes in real life, how do you support people in work life?
Rogue Humans is a weekly newsletter digging into the challenges of life in the modern world of work and beyond.
Reading: Z by Therese Fowler and about ready to burn all my F. Scott Fitzgerald books because I’m just so pissed off at him. Also finishing up Foster by Claire Keegan, a gorgeous novella that I wish were much longer.
Listening to: Chappell Roan. She’s just so damn good.
While work happens, life happens.
As I’ve mentioned, my partner and I have two aging and ailing dogs. It’s brought us a month full of tears, heartbreak, deeply appreciated cuddles and tough conversations. We leave the country in 27 days.
I have no idea if either dog will still be with us.
I posted on LinkedIn about feeling grateful for folks reaching out about it; both coworkers and even clients. It takes such a small amount of effort to let people know you’re thinking of them. Even with a silly meme.
After my post, a friend reached out to me.
“I wish I’d had this support when my dog passed.”
Curious and bummed for her, I asked her about it.
“My dog Freida passed away last summer. I reached out to my boss to tell her Freeda was dying and that I was going to be out that Friday to put her down. And my boss didn’t say a single word to me, just two letters.
OK.”
Gross.
Look, I know what it’s like to have many direct reports and be endlessly busy. I know what it’s like to feel underwater.
I also know what it’s like to feel completely dismissed.
I was also very impressed to hear from this friend (who is quite outspoken) that she brought up her dog passing and her boss just…nodded along, until it was time to move on to the next topic.
No “I’m sorry for your loss.” No “How are you feeling?”
Nothing.
Meanwhile, a few of my friend’s coworkers sent her cards and sweet messages.
Now, I could make assumptions and give my friend’s boss the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe they felt awkward about it. Maybe they didn’t know what to say.
But in these instances, silence says everything.
So, how can you support a coworker who’s having a tough time?
Simply ask “how can I best support you right now?” You don’t have to fix anything or have an answer. Simply asking is powerful. NOTE: if you’re a leader with direct reports this is essential. A fast way to lose trust is to not say a word.
Check in with them. See how they’re doing. This doesn’t mean you have to pry. A simple check-in can make a huge difference.
Send them funny internet things if they like that sort of thing! I do. Anything to take your mind elsewhere for a moment can be a helpful break.
If there is a loss of any kind, send condolences. This can be as simple as words in a message or email that takes 30 seconds to write, if even that.
We are not JUST the work we do.
We’re human being who experience wonderful things and horrible things, and they’re going to impact us.
Let’s acknowledge it when it happens and support each other the best we can though this wild and weird world, shall we?
Wishing you a week ahead of filled with good connections.
Who do you want to reach out to?
Cheers,